Most of my life, for as long as I can remember was spent desparately searching for something whole, a feeling of completeness, a feeling of kinship. Every black sheep has a different story, and I suppose mine is no more interesting than the next. I will only share that my break into adulthood was not a comfortable/status quo one, and so I went floundering.
Fast forward to now! I am finally able to identify with the anger and frustration at what I have been up against without denying it or allowing it to hold me back! Kayla and I are making big plans together, having a wedding, buying a house, starting a family. One of the things that I am so proud of in our relationship is that we have been able to create all of this with very little guidance. Neither of us were given the traditional keys or even a roadmap for what our lives might look like, but we both had a vision, the same vision, and it came from somewhere inside. When we came together, we each brought a little damaged monkey strapped to our back. To unleash them sometimes meant chaos! But by some movement of grace, we were able to sense one another beyond the smell of all that fear and fury. It isn't that we were able to change one another, but that together we have found the ability to change. By developing trust, acceptance, and seeking positive guidance, Kayla and I have been empowered to create exactly what we want:our lifestyle, our family, our professional and social places in our culture. We are doing it with the laws stacked against us, even without the support of some of those closest to us.
Synchronistically, there is a tangible buzz in the air with our trek to "married life" paralleling the legalization of same sex marriage in NY. There is this sense that our children may grow up without having to bear the burden of shame, without knowing the adversity that we have felt, and without bearing so hard the brunt of so much ignorance and inequality. There is this glorious seed of hope budding in my heart. My prayer of hope and gratitude is for those that came before us, and for those of the future, and for us here, right in this beautiful moment.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
The Elephant and the Laptop
It is interesting to me how propriety has shifted with social media,allowing us to flex our moral muscles in a less confrontational way. Facebook or social media of other varieties, has become a forum for all of us to say to a computer screen what we would not dare say to one another's faces.
When I am in the presence of my uberrightwingconservativebornagainchristian family members, I feel like we are all human beings, blood related, sharing family time. Not much do topics like politics or religion or gay and lesbian issues come up in our discussions. No, our exchangesare more of the "he said she said, what's for dinner, how is work, where should we eat, what should we eat, what should we cook, whats for dessert,breakfast, lunch" variety. It is an easier way for us all to be in the same room and enjoy one another's company, as the elephant sits quietly in the corner, munching on his feelings and growing more and more obese as the years pass us by. Lo and behold, when family time is over and we all go back to our computer screens, type in our passwords and suit up for battle, we are back at a passive aggressive war.
I would rather not be political. I'm really not very political. But I suppose I don't have a choice in stance taking, because naturally, I have an opinion and a preference about what laws and policies are made or changed because I exist. I am gay and I want to get married, I want my gay friends to be able to legally marry if they so choose. I would love for us to take care of the environment. I would like for our children to get a bad ass education. I would like for all men and women, gay and straight, rich and poor, to have equal opportunity to achieve success in this society. I would like to live in a country that celebrates diversity and I would like to see those that have hearts full of hate begin to change their minds. I really believe in compassion as a virtue to strive for, and if I had to be a political poster child for something, it would be COMPASSION. Look it up.
I digress. The real reason for this rant is that I feel frustrated about the development, or lack of, of some of my relationships via social media vs real life. In reality, we DO live a portion of our lives on social media. Facebook IS real life. It is a strange integration but it is an actual one. I am saddened by the fact that I have become so docile in regard to my family's lackluster support of who I am. I have lapped up with glee any gesture of acceptance, because I CRAVE it. Ohhhhh, 13 years after coming out as a lesbian, we can comfortably sit in a room together and it feels...somewhat, like a family gathering. But dammit if on cyberspace I am not bombarded by anti gay rhetoric vigorously posted on the walls of those very people. Dammit if I am not continuously made to feel like they truly believe that I should be punished for who I am. It has become easier to swallow because, thanks to privacy settings, I can "hide" the walls containing posts that only cause to upset. What I don't read can't affect me. But now Im angry, frustrated, upset because I am at a milestone in my life and I realized what has happened. I got engaged to my girlfriend. This is one of the happiest times in a person's life. I got engaged to my girlfriend and for the first time in my adult life was slapped across the face with the realization that I actually deserve this. I actually deserve the right to have what straight people take for granted. I might have said a million trillion billion times that I feel equal and that I deserve to be treated equally, and I deserve to have equal rights, but not until that ring was on her finger and we began to plan our wedding did I realize that some part of me believed until now, that it was actually acceptable to settle for less. I believe that since we propped that elephant up in the corner of the room, shut our mouths, and opened our laptops, we delayed progress. I fear that instead of being in my wedding photos, the people that I crave approval from the most will be at their laptops, viewing a scene titled "Our Wedding" that they feel morally obliged to disapprove of.
When I am in the presence of my uberrightwingconservativebornagainchristian family members, I feel like we are all human beings, blood related, sharing family time. Not much do topics like politics or religion or gay and lesbian issues come up in our discussions. No, our exchangesare more of the "he said she said, what's for dinner, how is work, where should we eat, what should we eat, what should we cook, whats for dessert,breakfast, lunch" variety. It is an easier way for us all to be in the same room and enjoy one another's company, as the elephant sits quietly in the corner, munching on his feelings and growing more and more obese as the years pass us by. Lo and behold, when family time is over and we all go back to our computer screens, type in our passwords and suit up for battle, we are back at a passive aggressive war.
I would rather not be political. I'm really not very political. But I suppose I don't have a choice in stance taking, because naturally, I have an opinion and a preference about what laws and policies are made or changed because I exist. I am gay and I want to get married, I want my gay friends to be able to legally marry if they so choose. I would love for us to take care of the environment. I would like for our children to get a bad ass education. I would like for all men and women, gay and straight, rich and poor, to have equal opportunity to achieve success in this society. I would like to live in a country that celebrates diversity and I would like to see those that have hearts full of hate begin to change their minds. I really believe in compassion as a virtue to strive for, and if I had to be a political poster child for something, it would be COMPASSION. Look it up.
I digress. The real reason for this rant is that I feel frustrated about the development, or lack of, of some of my relationships via social media vs real life. In reality, we DO live a portion of our lives on social media. Facebook IS real life. It is a strange integration but it is an actual one. I am saddened by the fact that I have become so docile in regard to my family's lackluster support of who I am. I have lapped up with glee any gesture of acceptance, because I CRAVE it. Ohhhhh, 13 years after coming out as a lesbian, we can comfortably sit in a room together and it feels...somewhat, like a family gathering. But dammit if on cyberspace I am not bombarded by anti gay rhetoric vigorously posted on the walls of those very people. Dammit if I am not continuously made to feel like they truly believe that I should be punished for who I am. It has become easier to swallow because, thanks to privacy settings, I can "hide" the walls containing posts that only cause to upset. What I don't read can't affect me. But now Im angry, frustrated, upset because I am at a milestone in my life and I realized what has happened. I got engaged to my girlfriend. This is one of the happiest times in a person's life. I got engaged to my girlfriend and for the first time in my adult life was slapped across the face with the realization that I actually deserve this. I actually deserve the right to have what straight people take for granted. I might have said a million trillion billion times that I feel equal and that I deserve to be treated equally, and I deserve to have equal rights, but not until that ring was on her finger and we began to plan our wedding did I realize that some part of me believed until now, that it was actually acceptable to settle for less. I believe that since we propped that elephant up in the corner of the room, shut our mouths, and opened our laptops, we delayed progress. I fear that instead of being in my wedding photos, the people that I crave approval from the most will be at their laptops, viewing a scene titled "Our Wedding" that they feel morally obliged to disapprove of.
Friday, June 18, 2010
See saw
Where are you on this?
Point
i really can't tell-from here you
could be anywhere
in relation to me.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Fragmented
Still flattened and floundering
Seeking, seething, sought.
"You are loved. You are so loved."
Fragmented.
What is faith, blind faith,
if not crawling into your heart and healing?
What turns out to be my Mantra;Formerly Keep it Real
I think it's about being certain that what you are creating in life is about your passion-something that comes from your soul and that you believe in. If you don't spend most of your day working on what you are creating and living what you believe in, then you start to search, question, doubt. And how can true love be true and thrive in soil of doubt? If there is passion and truth and beauty surrounding you then your true love can grow. Live the passion. Live the life. Dont shut it off, bury it, put it on the backburner, up on the top shelf. Reach inside and fucking pull it out. Make it interesting. Make it real. Keep it real.
Mary, Quite Contrary
Without you
Im so sharp
And nauseous
Sick to fear of lucid cupid crack
Fasting
Without you
Im fasting
Feasting
on my mind of another dream
Parallel in thought,in time, in place
Parallel in space
This humming
numbing shitstorm thats my face
the part between my ears
30 years coming
That inevitable unnerving humming
Without you
I call for sleep
There is no numbness to this slumber
Without you I wonder
How would this be?
A life with just you and me?
Odyssey
With every lover I find a piece of me
and throw it back into the lake
Wittling my heart into a medium that fits the breadthe
inside my ache.
Somewhere along this odyssey
the other half of me will meet
Me in the middle, and deliver every piece.
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